I arrive at The UK Tarot Conference for none other than the Queen of Tarot herself – Rachel Pollack’s Masterclass.
I really enjoyed Rachel’s inquiring mind, reflected in the questions that she asks the Tarot – questions that we don’t normally ask.
Deep questions, probing questions, correct questions, enlightening questions. Questions such as :
What is the true nature of this world?
And the next?
What separates them?
Where was my soul before it was born?
Where was my mum’s soul before it was born?
Where is free will in this situation?
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Rachel Pollack is definitely worthy of her place as Queen of the Tarot and a lady I resonate with truly. My book addresses this very thing – the need to ask the right type of questions to the Tarot, the ones of enlightenment, not attachment.
Then the synchronicity began… At the end of the first night Kim announced that it was Aleister Crowley’s birthday that day, that he would have been 137 (which adds up to the number of Justice in the Tarot). This is synchronistic for me because Crowley has made his presence felt in my life since the build up to my marriage in 2009, through a series of full on synchronistic happenings which you can read about in two blogs here:
Walk on dark side:
My last mercury retrograde diary:
On the day of the marriage, out of the blue people started arguing about whether Crowley really was evil or just misunderstood, and my mum told my hours old husband that my estranged father believed he was related to Crowley! (How to frighten the poor man about what he just married into! He stood the test well!) Incidentally -my mother had never told me this!
The first and last conference I was at was the first ever Riveria one, in Torquay last year ( on at the end of the month - http://www.rivieratarotconference.co.uk/)
The last time I was the first and last time I had been in Torquay was when I was 21 – to meet my estranged father.
He soon became estranged again, as I couldn’t cope with having to meet my shadow side in him. A side that I felt so strongly and literally, that I felt sick in my stomach if I looked in the mirror. The conversation naturally led in the direction of this and Aliester Crowley at the conference because of the memories the location sparked in me.
So a year later and I am back at a Tarot conference – this time in London, and Crowley is making his presence felt once again – at a time when I had just found out about the death of my estranged father.
The synchronicity continued the next day, when we progressed from my Fool’s Journey workshop (the child) – appropriate for the new kid on the block amongst such amazing Tarot greats that had influenced my path from childhood and raised me up to the platform.
That feeling was heightened greatly by Rachel Pollack coming to see me as I was waiting under the table, her great height bending down to the small bundle of me nestled in my cot like table nest! With a warm smile of a grandmother seeing her grandchild for the first time she tells me she is sad she is going to be missing my workshop due to being fully booked for readings, but she thinks it’s really great that I have dressed up as The Fool! Well that made my day in itself!
So I birthed The Fool – let the child out completely, let it loose, let it free, let it be, it didn’t fit in neat boxes of time, expectation, or the norm, but what else could I do? Being the new kid on the block? Nothing else felt appropriate!
Some people managed to let their fool out to play in the external world – others only in the internal for now… But I remain satisfied that everyone was shown where they are at with their inner Fool.
After my performance, I may have changed my outfit – but still I was very much the child as the lovely Juliet Sharman-Burke aptly took us into The Hermit ( he stage where The Fool grows up). She spoke of the Saturanian feel of The Hermit - something that really resonates with me. Saturn is how I saw my father.
Then someone makes a comment about Saturn ruling the skin and I get another “donk moment” (as I like to call them). I already knew that Saturn related to the skin, but sometimes we need reminding.
My father died of Scleroderma, which means “hard skin” – but not only that, it was another piece of the jigsaw from my Saturn return….
When I was twenty-eight ( every 28 years Saturn returns to the place it was when you were born – and Saturn is conjunct my Sun so it was a very personal time for me), I had a spontaneous past life recall in which my father was a private chef of mine. I saw him peeling his skin off and putting it in my food. I thought this was so mad that for the past seven years I had told myself my strange head had imagined it all.
I found out about my fathers death on 24th September – he died the day after my first booklaunch on 8th (Interesting! Saturaniun limits gone?) Word of mouth had reached my mother and she rang to tell me he had passed from Scleroderma – I had never heard of it before, but I had woken up from a dream where I gave myself an incurable disease from flea bites that I had failed to address ( again eating and skin). But I still failed to get the connection until someone said to me “Tiffany of course you are allowed to grieve, estranged or not he is still your flesh and blood” – donk! No longer did I believe I “imagined” the spontaneous life recall, particularly as Juliet Sharman Burke is now talking about how Saturn ate his children! “Donk moment three” -Now I know why I felt sick in my stomach!
Over lunch I meet Alfred Douglas and thank him for kick starting my Tarot journey. My mother had his deck and I came across them when I was four and that was it, his vibrant images did something, initiated something deep inside of me.
Little did I know that one of my clients had him sign her copy of my book and tell him he should get it because he is the father of my Tarot journey!
Next thing I know Alfred Douglas is asking me if I would sign his copy of my book! And I have my fourth “donk moment” as I am struck by how much Alfred looks like my father – even dressed in the same clothes I last saw my father wearing - a pastel blue shirt and cream slacks. I get up from signing the book and something strikes me to ask him for a hug. He doesn’t respond at first so I go to walk off (rejection from the father) but he turns and says “yes you may” and we hug...
So back to the room and the fIfth “donk moment” received in the next session, led by the fantastic Cilla Conway on the shadow. First, we did a one card reading on the shadow. My card is The King of Wands and my partner starts talking about how I fear being egotistical, controlling or dominating, because these were the traits I saw in my father! Indeed I did, all very Saturaniun qualities conjunct my Sun (self) I am stunned by the power of her reading.
Directly after, Cilla led a meditation where we met our own shadow and asked it who it was and what it wanted. Of course I already knew who it was! But I went there anyway and met my Saturaniun shadow father.
When we were asked to ask our shadown what it wanted it replied “Just for you to love me”. I already knew this but could never do it. I stood there facing my shadow of my father and searched inside for love – I found sorrow, then pity, pity turned into compassion, compassion turned into love, and I looked up at the shadow and said “yes I can do that” and we hugged, the shadow passed through me and I heard it say – “now love you, for I am you too”.
The sixth and incredibly huge “DONK!”
But it didn’t stop there….
We come back into the room as Cilla talks about how Luke Skywalker has to slay his shadow in Star Wars - the famous scene where he slays Darth Vader – she doesn’t mention the fact that Luke then finds out that Darth Vader is his father, but she doesn’t need to, I’m getting the message loud and clear!
I feel pretty shaken but incredibly clear and things finish on a lighter note as my reading partner gets her own “donk” moment! Her shadow card was The Six of Pentacles – a card where you could be seen as short changing yourself, or abundant. She spoke of how she was always short-changing herself. Then the raffle happened! She had bought three tickets because there was a deck in it that she wanted so very much.
We were on the very last item in the raffle and my partner started moaning about how it was never her and I said “come on, remember the reading, shift into the side of abundance”.
Kim asked me to take a ticket – and it wasn’t my partner but Caitlin Matthews who had already won and kindly said to put her name back in for someone else. Kim then asked my partner to pick a ticket – and as she did I thought “it’s going to be her!” As she opened it up she screamed unbelievably “it’s me!!!!” and then doubly excited as she found out the last thing left in the raffle was the very deck she wanted!
I went back to my hotel cupboard (windowless room!) and had a good cry.
Feeling all the difficulties of self-acceptance and love. At the end of it I found myself in a much more loving and accepting place of myself and embracing the moment booked myself on a detox retreat– the fool’s journey of self acceptance and love has now truly begun…..
Author of The Transformational Truth of Tarot order your signed copy @ http://www.transcendentaltemple.co.uk
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