One thing I have learned over the years is that we all have our own story, stories of awakening and stories of healing; these are our journeys which bring us to a deeper connection with spirit.
Like almost everyone I meet in the spiritual community I always felt different as a child, I joined in with everyone and had lots of friends but I felt different and had no idea why. I was often lost in a world of fantasy and nature, thrilled at fairy stories and the natural world. My father was from Ireland and we were fed stories of the little people and taught the ancient folk lore. We would spend our holidays and Sundays out in the country and I was in my element. We lived by the sea and I practically lived on the beach with my friends as a child; I remember climbing halfway down steep cliffs to pick sea thrift because even then I had a passion for flowers.
I was brought up a Catholic, taught by nuns, The Sisters Of Mercy or as we called them The Sisters Of No Mercy. They along with the church left a mark which haunted me for a long time to come. I even remember many years later when I began to open up as a medium if anyone connected to the church came in spirit I found it hard to accept them.
That has healed now and I can see the blessings that my religious upbringing bought me. As a teenager I knew there was something more and I began to read books like those of Lobsang Rampa and something began to stir within me but I had no idea how to proceed on a journey for which I had no map. When I left teacher training college and applied for a post at a Catholic school in Kirkby, Liverpool, the head teacher asked me about my beliefs and when I said I believed in reincarnation she couldn’t get me out of the door quick enough.
So I began my teaching career most of it spent in my home town of South Shields but it never filled a desire in me to understand life even though the young children I taught were a joy; most of the time. Then there came a turning point, the first of many to come, when I became interested in the environment and my husband and I started a Friends Of The Earth Group. They were very happy times meeting new and interesting people and to be able to contribute to a better world felt very positive. Then one day I picked up a book in the library, we had no computers in those days, it was about Macrobiotics. This means the great life and it is a Japanese system of eating in harmony with the seasons and the environment. I was hooked and so began my journey with food. I ran home and threw everything out of the cupboard and turned vegetarian immediately. I embraced a new way of living; I must say I was very naïve as I thought you could become enlightened by eating the right food.
Although I dabbled with spirituality I never found the right focus. Once when I went to a spiritual meeting in Newcastle instead of clapping the speaker we all had to wave our hands at him to create a good vibration. I wasn’t impressed by this, in fact I find hand clapping a great way to raise the energies. The years went by and we eventually moved to The Wirral and I decided to leave teaching and open my own health food shop and I loved every minute of it. I met so many wonderful people and some teachers who had a profound effect on my life. Later on I participated in every spiritual group I could find, at last I was getting close to some understanding. I meditated for long periods, I practised Aikido for a short time and I qualified in various therapies. Ten of those years were spent working as a volunteer dietician at a NHS holistic centre meeting people with such horrendous stories who still managed to inspire with their incredible spirits. Life was good but my emotional self had always struggled. I had lived with fear since the day I was born and so I would often be in inner turmoil.
The day came when my life fell apart as often happens when you decide to walk the spiritual path. In one fell swoop my marriage ended, I lost my business and my home. The things which got me through this were the amazing people who were in my life and my little spiritual understanding. Even though I had come this far and read all the books and meditated my fear had never diminished, all the meditating in the world cannot help us, it is the wisdom which transforms and I hadn’t found that yet.
So my life began once again living in a basement flat but what a life. That flat was filled most evenings with spiritual meetings and laughter often until the dawn. I met more new people and enjoyed the company of many like minded friends most of them mediums. Readings were abundant; there was always someone to help you out.
The real turning point in my life came when I met my spiritual teacher and at last it was safe to be me. I no longer felt ashamed of being a wimp and feeling anxious because I was taught now about fear. Over the years I learned to accept it and myself; it has never left me and never will because that is how I chose to be before I came here but I can now see the humour in it.
I moved out of the basement flat to a little stone cottage which was so damp the walls were ringing wet and a tree grew under the stairs. Although I had been practising my therapies and Black Hat Feng Shui for some time it was here that I began my spiritual work, doing readings and running development groups. I also met my husband and soon moved in with him. My life changed yet again. The development groups continued and I also started running workshops. My inner development continued as I worked through many emotional blockages caused by my inability to speak up and speak out. I was as repressed as they come and previously I had attracted those into my life who created a lot of damage which had to be undone. They were all my teachers, we cannot blame anyone in our lives for anything and I now understood that I am totally responsible.
So my life continued and to this day I am fortunate to receive teachings from my teacher. My own world changed along the way, the mysteries of spirit and the amazement at the phenomena of spirit mellowed into a quiet acceptance that we are never alone, no-one dies and we are all part of god. My life has become more ordinary now although it is filled with the blessings of spirit every second of every day. I love my work I can say that wholeheartedly, the joy it brings me compares to nothing I have ever done before.
I no longer search for myself for I have found her, she might get on my nerves sometimes with her strange ways but she is all right. I no longer search for god, god is everything I know. It is the love, the energy and the light which makes up everything which is. I walk along my beloved river here and the trees speak to me, they can because they are part of me. I step into my garden and I wonder at the beauty which I am surrounded with.
I am only at the beginning of this exciting journey for the journey is endless as we all travel further into light each of us with our own personal stories, I wonder what your story is?
I am god and you are god, I am love and you are love.
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