I was 21 when it happened, when my heart was broken. If I am honest it had started about a year and a half before, a small crack appeared and then over time the crack grew and finally my heart broke.
The crack first appeared and I filled it with a substitute for the love I needed to fix it. I didn’t know how to ask for the real love, to ask how to get that love back. Inexperienced, naive, in shock from the crack appearing.
Love wasn’t supposed to be like this. Love was supposed to be joyful, tender, supportive, adventurous, complete trust without question………Like I said, shock at what my love had turned into. Deceitful, insecure, battered self esteem, pain at the hurt in my heart and a lie. The love of my life had turned into a lie. My heart had broken completely in two.
I don’t think you ever get over it, that first time, that first real heartbreak. For a time I was lost in it, consumed by the pain. But I didn’t know how to deal with it, how to help myself recover, how to mend my broken heart, how to come to understand how it had happened, how to rebuild the shattered dream of loving someone.
So I went looking for the answers, throwing myself into relationship after relationship, looking for the answers I needed. Of course I was looking in the totally wrong place. The answers I kept finding didn’t make sense, didn’t mend any of the hurt, didn’t help me understand. I just created more and more questions until I was consumed, broken, utterly lost. So I stopped, I stopped looking. I couldn’t see anything anyway, I was in such depths of despair that if an Angel had come up to me surrounded by love and light and said,“ This is the answer!“ I would have not listened, I would have not seen.
So what did I do, I left. I started with a whole new country, then surrounded myself with people that loved me, as though we were family, but didn’t know me and I started doing the thing that I loved the most, riding beautiful horses. I found some of myself, and started to grow to know myself again My sister dragged me to a meditation group and over time I found I held a wisdom inside me. Like water in a deep well that I had been unable to reach. I didn’t know how to reach. Through the group I was given the tools to access the waters of my wisdom and I began to answer some of my own questions.
How did it happen? - Well for a start I had an unrealistic idea of what falling in love was. I had read too many romantic novels. Yes I felt the stomach churning, knees weakening but what the books didn’t tell you is what happens after that, after the lust, how to cope with real life together. So because I didn’t know what to do I did nothing and pretended everything was just lovely.
I gave in too easily, after months of friends and family saying he’s no good I started to believe them rather than listening to my own heart. I turned against him, what a betrayal.
I expected too much of love. Love would make me happy. Love would provide everything I needed, I needed to be loved. Love would give me the life I wanted, husband, children, together forever. I learned that first you have to learn to love yourself and provide yourself with these things and not expect someone else to. If you can’t make yourself happy how can you make someone else happy?
How did I make myself happy? - I started to explore myself, exploring nature, exploring my own spirit, learning new things, visiting ancient sites, feeling our history, learning the stories of our ancestors, feeling my connection to the land. Filling up my inner well of wisdom.
How did I rebuild my dream of love? - Well, I took what I already had, the butterflies, the weak knees, the first kiss, the excitement and added to it. I added friendship, the time spent getting to know each other, the lovemaking, the plans for the future, the comfort and peace of finding a kindred spirit, sharing interests and having your own, talking, sharing experiences, discussing, compromising, supporting, nurturing the relationship. I built some of my dream myself and built the rest with the man I met and married.
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